I'm going to jail i love you
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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