The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
