i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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