swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
