My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Randomize
