Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
