i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sorry about my life...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
