i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
