My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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