So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
