I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
