i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
