i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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