Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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