He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
