I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
