Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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