my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
