i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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