My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
