i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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