I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize