There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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