Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
