If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
