I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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