I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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