i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
