god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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