I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She's the barista slut.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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