Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
