You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
