She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
