Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
