i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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