you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
