Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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