What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
