the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
