I feel great
I just peed on a car
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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