What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
