She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
