then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
