So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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