I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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