i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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