Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
ttyl tear gas
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
