I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
