i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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