Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
