I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So apparently I’m into choking now
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
