Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
